Welcome to the real world!! Now what?!?

Hello everyone!! Wow, I honestly didnt realize how long it has been since the last time I wrote a blog, over 4 months!!!
Well, to say the least, ALOT HAS CHANGED SINCE I LAST WROTE! For starters, I graduated from Johnson & Wales University on May 22, 2011 with an Associates Degree in Baking & Pastry Arts. I dont honestly know if words can decribe how I felt walking into the arena as we were slowly making our way to our seats that day, but I can tell you how incredibly nervous I was when I saw how many people there were there, LET ALONE THE FACT THAT I WAS ABOUT TO GRADUATE COLLEGE! Literally, I was so nervous and hot I actually had to get up and leave at one point in the ceremony. But as the rows in front of us began to empty, the butterflies started to get more and more frequent and finally it was time for us to get up and walk toward the stage. The only thought I had running through my head at that moment was "Holy crap am I seriously doing this right now?" & ,"This is not happening!" I took one step onto the stange and every emotion and butterfly that had i had had for the last hour completely disappeared!! I walked across that stage and held my head so high and smiled the biggest smile ive ever had and realized that I stepped onto the stage as a young woman who was on her way to growing up who didnt know much about anything and just wanted to make it though college alive...and stepped off as the first person to graduate college from my family and a grown woman with a bright future ahead of her! I couldnt believe that I was done. On May 22, 2011, I finiahed one chapter of my life, and began another that I cant wait to start writing!! I met some of the most incredible people Ive ever known in the 2 years I spent at Johnson & Wales University, and unfortunately, as I hate to say this, I come to the realization that I may never see any of those incredible people again :( On a happpy note, thats why Facebook rocks ;)  Anyway, as we all drove home from Rhode Island that afternoon, I still couldnt get over the fact that I was done with school & all i could say to myself was " WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD SARA!! NOW WHAT?!

Well, its been almost 6 months now and Ive accomplished more in the past 6 months that I could have ever imagined. I started a job at a hotel in Kennebunkport, Maine called The Tides Beach Club and was hired to be the Breakfast Cook along with the Pastry Chef. It sounds like a dream job but at first it was anything but "dreamy." My first day was a 12 hour shift and my second was a 10. I cried for what seemed like a week and started looking up new places to work. After I started meeting new people that would soon become my everyday coworkers, I started to adjust. I learned tons of new things and got to work with some of the most talented chefs ive ever encountered.
The Executive Sous Chef, John Shaw, was my former boss at The Kennebunkport Inn who I loved to work for, asked me to work at an event that he was hosting one summer night. The Kennebunkport Festival comes to Kennebunkport every year and this year I was going to be apart of it. I spent the night at Earth at Hidden Pond (a "sister" company to The Tides Beach Club where I currently worked at) plating passed appetizers and go to meet some of the most incredible chefs Maine has to offer. It was one if not "the one" most incredible experiences Ive gotten to experience and I can not thank John enough. Plus, a bonus was finding out that there was a picture of me plating food in the local magazine :) SCORE!!
The hotel closed on October 31, 2011 and I am currently employed at 2 different locations. Fernleaf Bakery in downtown Saco is my first job and I am also a Cafe Barista at the new Books-A-Million bookstore in South Portland. Over all, having 2 jobs isnt the easiest thing in the world for sure, but it pays the bills and its not going to be my life forever.

Somedays are easy & somedays I feel like completely giving up. Im almost 21 years old with 2 jobs, a boyfriend that i love but hardly get to see anymore, absolutely no social life, and the most incredible, supportive & loving family a girl could as for. I always wonder what my life is going to look like 10, 20 or 30 years down the road and im scared to find out what the real world has in store for me. For now, my life consists of Job #1, than Job #2, sleep a few hours, and repeat....WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!!!

<3 xoxo <3

Easter is more than Bunnies & Colored Eggs...

One weekend a year, just like Christmas, Thanksgiving, and every other holiday in the world, people spend dozens of dollars on different chocolates, jelly beans, and other candies to buy for their kids to see the expressions on their faces...and to wire them up on chocolate (haha). This year, at our house, it was all about Family! For the first time, my entire family came to Easter lunch at our house for a day full of family & fun!

Now one thing that every woman stressed over Easter morning....WHAT TO WEAR THAT LOOKS "SPRING LIKE."  To be honest and as most of you may know, Im not like most girly-girls and It usually takes me about...30 seconds to find out what I want to wear for that day...but today was definitely not like any other day, because I had no idea what to wear! I got up at 6:15am...ya thats right, there is 2-6:15's in a day hahah whooo knewwww?! Anyway, I had no idea what to wear and after 30 minutes of trying outfit after outfit on and finally called it good on my long purple sweater, black leggings, and my grey 3 inch heels :) We all finally were ready and went to church. For those of you who dont know, I have gone to church my ENTIRE life. Basically grew up in one church and to this day consider it my second home. I love my church and everyone in it. Sometimes It bothers me that it bothers others that I do go to church and i have been going my entire life. Its who i am...and its all i really know...Pastor Jeff preached an amazing service and the worship music was incredible...especially the song my bis sis got up there and sang ;) Love her <3
After church, we all went back to the house to prepare for lunch! Mom was making Ham (which was amazinggg), Mashed Potatoes, Squash, Sweet Potato, Corn, and Memere made Cole Slaw (yummmm), and everything was INCREDIBLE!!! The whole family was under one roof and it meant so much to all of us. Usually, the only time we have to be all together is Christmas and Thanksgiving...and by then, there is usually a few stragglers along the way (in other words, boyfriends, or new children...but hopefully no more for a longggg time). After lunch, we all went outside where Kacie & Dave hid Easter Eggs filled with Candy & such for Noah & Judah and it was a blast to watch them run and find them :) They are my favorite men in the whole world & I love them! After bubbles filled the air, balls were flung all over the backyard, and the sun was shining...it was time for me and Libby to head back to school :( This was the hardest good bye in a long time....and I dont know why. 1 month from this past Thursday I will be graduating College and going into the real world...scary, i think yes! What does the future hold for me? Where will I be in 10 years? Who will I be with? Someday, in one way or another, i will hopefully find the answer to these questions; but until then...Enjoy the ride but dont forget to hold on tight :)

This Easter was by far the best yet, because I had my whole family together again!!!


<3 xox <3

Some thoughts on paper...

As my time in Providence is starting to quickly come to an end, I cant help but think about what the rest of my life is going to look like.

For the last few weeks, Ive been slowly starting to become buried in term projects for my classes this trimester and I feel as if the only thing ive been doing for weeks is homework, homework, and even more homework. I mean, Im not trying to complain but seriously....WHAT THE HELL DOES WRITING A PAPER ABOUT HARP SEALS HAVE TO DO WITH GETTING A DEGREE IN BAKING & PASTRY?! And coming up with a problem in the Johnson & Wales University system...we dont have enough time left in the semester to talk about the problems this school has. Thankfully I have 2 of my 4 projects already done so there goes a "little" bit of stress.

This weekend my dad and sister, Libby were both on vacation this week and the decided to come spend the night in Providence with me. We had so much fun going to the Providence Place Mall and the Roger Williams Zoo & most importantly...THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY!! It was am amazing weekend and it meant the world to me to have "part of" my family here with me :)

After they dropped me off and went home, I once again locked myself in my room and was convinced it was going to be a productive night....well, needless to say, facebook chat is wayyyyyyyyyyyy too distracting! Plus, texting should be illegal  when your doing homework :) Anyway, I didnt get much work done but I got to talk to some pretty cool people in the mean time :)

Thursday will make it 1 month until I graduate college and I cant believe its been 2 longgg years already when it feels like just yesterday I made that long walk across the stage at my HIGH SCHOOL graduation, trying not to trip and fall :) Never did I imagine that day would come so fast or I would have prepared myself a little better. How you ask? No idea...i just would have focused more and made more friends I guess...Lets just say its been one hell of a year! So far Ive met some pretty awesome people both at home and here in Providence.  Thought to myself the other day about why I am the way I am with meeting new people and making new friends...and came up with one reason....I have this thought that, if im only going to be here for 6 months...1 month now, then why bother making new friends if Im never going to see them again? I met a great person in my labs and we clicked from day 1...then she left for France, and she currently lives in Minnesota and its not like I can just gt in my car and drive to see her when I want. So why bother? I would absolutely LOVE to have tons of friends who I hang out with all the time and have tons of fun with...but sometimes it just doesnt come easy for some people...

All in all, a goal for me this week is to kick my butt into gear, get all my homework done, and spend some quality time with friends and family :)

xox <3

"On Cloud Nine" kind-of-night :)

Well, it's been one hell of a 2 weeks lately. Between the stress of school and stupid ex boyfriends, to the fantastic time I had with great friends at a great hockey game, Id say this week has had it's fair share of good and bad days.

After 2 weeks of being in Providence I finally went home this weekend and had a great time.  The long drive home always gets me thinking what Im going to do and who im going to do it with over the weekend and it also gives me a chance to have some "me-time" where no one can bug me or talk to me. Where I can turn the music up as loud as I possibly want and scream with all my might to to the music...and I love it!
As soon as I walked in the door at home thursday night the smelled of Chinese Food filled my house. Its actually quite funny how almost every time I come home my parents get Chinese Food on Thursday nights :) I stayed in thursday night and spent time on the couch watching episode after episode of Law & Order: Criminal Intent with my mom and had a nice relaxing night (It was well needed). Libby & Kat came home that night and we continued to relax together (I hadn't seen them both in a while so it was nice).
Friday I got to spend most of the day with my best friend Caitlin!! Im going to be a little dramatic and say she "dragged me" to therapy with her. I told her I would go under one condition...the focus of the session would have to stay on her! Haha see, the last time she dragged me, I was under the influence that we were there t talk about her relationship problems and school problems...but apparently that wasnt the case! We talked for about an hour about MY RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS. At the time, i was seeing a guy that Caitlin had set me up to to help get over my other ex boyfriend..which at the time it helped. I was in love with this new guy...until he decided to choose drinking alcohol everynight with his buddies instead of hang with me..needless to say, I was crushed when things didnt go my way...YET AGAIN. Anyway back to the session. It turned out to be all about me and why I am the way I am, which totally didnt sit right with me. Well, this time we went to therapy, it was all about Caitlin...which is totally ok with me :) After therapy, we went to SMCC to get some information and had a great day! (There Caitlin, I put you in my blog...LOVE YA)!
Later that day i went to lunch with an old friend and had a great time!
The day quickly went from great to crappy in litttle under 2 minutes. I got a call from a friend, telling me my ex boyfriend (whom I thought i was still in love with...definitely not anymore..) has been involved in some "extra curricular activities" with a friends current girlfriend...which in turn crushed me. See, ive never had any type of good luck with guys, and when I met...lets just call him....John...when I met John, I thought my luck had finally turned around. I was so unbelievably happy and everyone noticed right away. I was falling for him and vise versa (this I believe). We had a great relationship the first 2 months...then things went downhill. He started drinking, HEAVILY, after he had just told me he wanted to quit completely and "grow up". But once again, this was not happening. I was unhappy again and it made me sad to know he was filling all time spare time with booze and hanging with his loser friends. To end a long story, the relationship ended and its been over a month that Ive been single...which has not happened to me in over 2 maybe 3 years....I was ok with how it ended and we both talked about taking time off and getting back together some time soon...but now that I found out hes...well, "hanging" with other people, Im completely done with the idea of getting back together.  It was a long night but when push comes to shove, it goes to show that the Mr Right I was looking for, just turned out to be Mr. Right NOW.
Saturday I got to spend sometime with Kathy & Amanda (a friend who came down from Canada) and went shopping for the ingredients to make 40 cream horns I made alllll afternoon, and we went to the movies that night.
To finish the great weekend, Libby, Kat & I met up with Kathy & Amanda at the game (& Kari & Kalle of course;) ) where it was "Shirts off their backs" night. Unfortunately, none of us (except Kari) won a jersey but we had lots of fun at the game. After that game......................is when the night got good. We met up with people at Rivalries after for dinner and ate some pretty great food! The hockey players were having dinner upstairs and I had made a few extra cream horns for a very special (and very sexy may I add) hockey player, and by what he said about it...it was amazing :) I was on top of the world...not to mention he came over to talk to us for a few minutes, so i got to look at him for a little bit longer! After he left, with a container filled, I was on cloud nine for the remainder of the night...and everyone knew it! We socialized for a while, and got ready to go. As we sat by the door, socializing some more, another special Hockey Player came down the stairs...this is the part where Libby and Kat went absolutely crazy when they saw him. Igor Gongalsky is a sexy player from the Ukraine and Libby was in love! He stopped to talk to Kathy and we all got introduced to him. Libby & Kats night was made when they got a picture with him! We were alllll on cloud nine after that! As were were leaving, Kalle walked us to the car and we were on our way (to get lost in Portland) home!
As we drove home, the only thing on each of our minds was the fact that we all got to meet someone that made our nights just a little bit better. (I on the other hand, have a few more than one that make my night better, but im not naming names ;) ). It was a dream come true night, not to mention everyone that tried my cream horns said they were absolutely amazing, which is a huge honor in itself!

Well, guess its time to put my brain back together and start a new week full if classes. As I was driving back, I couldnt help but think that I only have 6 weeks left until my career at Johnson & Wales University is over for good. Crazy how fast 2 years actually goes isnt it?  ;)

**Living life one day at a time**

Sometimes it's not about how good you look in a photo; but the memories that surround them!!

As i drove over the New Hampshire bridge heading into the great state of Maine on Thursday afternoon, a sense of relief and excitement came over me. It may sound completely stupid and pathetic but I absolutely love to me home! When Thursday finally comes around and classes are over for the day, I love to pack up my car and head as far North of Rhode Island as I can possibly get! Being home is calming and relaxing, but most importantly It's where my family is! Most people may know (and I may have said this in a previous blog, idk) Im a huge family person! I love to just be home and relax on the couch with my mom or my sisters with my nephews and niece....its one of my ideas of fun!
This weekend I went home and so did my middle sister Libby along with her fabulous roommate and BFFLE Kat. I havent seen Libby in a few weeks so I was very excited to see her. We have a...weird....relationship. We fight...all the time...but we honestly do love eachother, I mean..shes my big sister, why wouldnt I love her? Anyway, We all went home on thursday (because we are cool like that and dont have classes on fridays) and on Friday night my oldest sister, Kacie, was hosting her "Blastoff Tastefully Simple Party" for her new business shes starting. All I have to say about that is...YUMMMMMMMM! Beer Bread, Bacon Dip, Mocha Chip Frappaccino, Chocolate Pound Cake, and sooo much more!! It was a fabulous night with my sisters and all her friends! Before the  party, I made a Lemon Cake with Lemon pudding filling and a Lemon Buttercream for a family I know and they absolutely loved it :) Another pastry success :)
Saturday was the day Libby, Kat & I have been waiting for for weeks! A few weeks ago I asked Libby & Kat if they wanted to go to a Portland Pirates Hockey Game and they were both very interested. Kat dropped a bomb shell and told us she had only been to 1 hockey game in her whole life and it was over 15 years ago!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, needless to say it was time to change that! Kathy ended up getting us tickets from the fabulous, Caitlin, and we were sitting in the second row overlooking the entire rink! They were great seats! I got the chance to introduce one of my great friends, Kari to Libby & Kat along with Kalle. The game started and like most women WE PICKED OUR FAVORITE HOCKEY PLAYERS(and of course the were the cutest)! Libby chose Colin Stuart and Kat chose David Leggio...and I had my eye on someone ;)
Unfortunately the Pirates lost but we had an incredible time at the game! After the game we went over to Rivalries. Kathy told me, Libby, Kat & Kari to walk over together and she would meet us there. Well, needless to say, we got a little, tiny bit distracted...by a room full of sexy hockey players all dressed up! We stood in the window for about 10 minutes...waiting for eachothers guys to come out. Then we realized we were supposed to meet Kathy...oops. We eventually got there and of course she was wondering where we were. Moral of the night...NEVER TRUST 4 GIRLS TO MAKE IT TO A RESTAURANT ON TIME WHEN THERE'S A ROOM FULL OF SEXY HOCKEY PLAYERS!
Eventually we got to Rivalries and it filled up pretty quick...with many gorgeous hockey players may I add!? We all got to meet Travis Turnbull and oo and ahh over people..but in the end...none of our favorites showed up :( But, the people who were there were THE BEST AND MOST IMPORTANT!!! Kathy, Kari, Libby, Kat & I had an incredible night, made lots of memories, took lots of pictures, and made some pretty great friends!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so thankful for the incredible people I have in my life and cant imagine what my life would be like without them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<3

Portland Pirates Hockey comes to Providence :)

Well today had to be the best day of this whole weekend and I had so much fun!
My long time friend Kathy took a rode trip from Maine to Providence to see a Portland Pirates Hockey game against the Providence Bruins. Now, before this whole weekend happened, I wanted sooo badly to make a Providence Bruins shirt to cheer on my team, my school home team that is, but Kathy wouldnt have anything to do with it...she actually threatened me within an inch of my life but we wont go there :) Anyway, they got here around noon and we met up at, none other but THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY!! Oh my gosh, seriously, this place should be illegal. The cheesecake is at least 4 inches think and as rich and creamy as you can imagine! It was fantastic! After lunch we went over to the arena and a few hours later the game began! The scoring went back and forth for a while but towards the end the pirates ended up pulling through to win the game 5-3! During the game, Kathy took me to another section of the arena to meet a wonderful woman named Colleen Whitfield and her incredible children!! Colleen is married to a Providence player named Trent Whitfield who at one point in time played for the Pirates, which is how Kathy met Trent. They were all such nice people and it was a blast meeting them! After the game ended, me and Emily went out to Kathys car to get some stuff while Kathy went to see Trent. We met her where the Pirates came out and got on the bus. Can I just say that there are some dang good looking hockey boys on that team!!! Haha! As Kathy came out and we were leaving in a minute, she introduced me to one extremely important man of the team, Kevin Dineen, the Head Coach of the Portland Pirates....a very nice man who it was an honor to meet (Hes the one who gives me free tickets so I gotta say some nice things about him). As the last few players were getting on the bus, one particular player, who i seem to have a small, very tiny crush on, looked in my general direction, smiled and waved as he got on the bus : D And as Kathy would usually do,,,she walked right up to him and interrogated him on who he hasnt accepted her fb request...all i could do was walk away (and laugh). They got on the bus and headed back to Portland after a 3 days road trip. The day was over and it was an incredible day!

Saturday I'm going to another game but this time m bringing my sister and her best friend (who has NEVER been to a Hockey Game...in her life...shocking I know!), and I cant wait to be home again!

It was a great weekend!!

Thank You Kathy!!! :)

Good Night All

A St. Patrick's Day to remember!!!

When you hear the words "St Patrick's Day" what is the first thing that comes to mind? 

As the girl beside me in my Marine Biology class says, "NATIONAL GET HAMMERED DAY" is what most people associate with this green holiday. People get all decked out in their green EVERYTHING and party as hard and as long as they can until the wee hours of the morning and pass out from it all.

As many of you may or may  not know...I'm not a drinker. I'm a non working college student who would rather spend my hard earned money on something else, which is exactly what i do..and i dont care what people think of it. Anyway, Ive never been one to do...anything, on St Patrick's Day; but this year was much different. My friends made their plans to go out with others and do their thing, I saw a poster for a movie that was playying in the Rec Center here at school. The movie was Tron, I saw it a few months ago with my older sister and loved it. My friends and I were talking early in the morning the other day about classes, I told them my plans and actually convinced my friends Justina & Cameron to come see it with me. It sounds lame but, I got really excited to have someone to hang out with! 

So as the day went on, and I went from class to class, I decided a movie wasnt going to be complete without snacks :) I went to Target and picked up some Sour Patch Watermelons, Skittles & some Vitamin Water. It was going to be a good night!!  Justina and I made plans to meet at Red Sauce for dinner and head over to the movie after. We got to the rec center and found comfy seats in the front row, it was awesome! The show started and everyone was enjoying it...plus the main character isnt bad to look at ;) As I looked around the room at first I was actually pretty shocked that this was really the way this many people were spending their St Patrick's Day...just like me. The second thing I thought about was how truly lucky I am to have the friends that I do, and I'm proud of the person I have become. The stereotypical college student is seen as a party animal (or social butterfly), outgoing, smoker or drinker...whatever you can think of....but I'm proud to say Im not like that. I dont want to sound all high and mighty because I am the last person to do that; but the truth is, my parents work their butts off to pay for me to come to SCHOOL not a everlasting party. If my mom knew I was using the money that she pays for me to come to school, to spend every night getting drunk and going to class hungover, not only would she be PISSED but all of the work I've done over the years to gain her respect and trust would be gone faster than it came and I respect her WAYYY MORE THAN THAT!! 

Anyway, after the movie ended everyone said they had a great time and I was happy too. We waited for the bus to come for what felt like hours and when it did we were all relieved. We got back to the dorms and immediately went back to our rooms to sleep. 

I've never been one to celebrate St Patrick's Day like I stated before; but this year I put myself out there to do something fun and my friends wanted to come along. Must mean I'm doing something right, right? I had a lot of fun with some amazing friends who definitely made it A ST PATRICK'S DAY TO REMEMBER!!! <3 <3

Busy Cupcake filled weekend!!!!!

This past weekend was the busiest weekend back home I've had in a long time.

Thursday afternoon after my classes were over for the day, they were having the annual spring Career Fair in the gym here at my school and I thought it might be good for me to make an appearance and see if maybe I could talk to some chefs and maybe potentially get a job...well, needless to say, there was nothing there for pastry students, let alone pastry students from MAINE! So after I got a few free things I was content and ready to head North. It took 2.5 LONGG hours to get home but its always worth it. It may sound lame but I absolutely love being home! My mom is my best friend and spending even a fraction of my day with her makes it all better. That night mom and I sat home and relaxed!! We watched episodes of Law & Order along with Without A Trace and just enjoyed each others company like we always do (or I do...she always says I talk too mush...phhsssss nahhhh). The next day mom and I spent the day together and relaxed, visited Kacie & the kids, went to Sam's Club...just had a nice relaxing day. That night we watched movies together (and ate CHEESEBALLS).After the movie, I was in full BAKING MODE!! I made about 2 or 3 dozen large cupcakes for the next days CAKE TASTING for my friend Amanda's Wedding in September. Libby was coming home that night and we were hoping to watch a movie with her but she had along drive and, anyway, it was juts a great night. Saturday was shopping day with Mom, Kacie & Libby. We started our day by going to the bank....im not even going to touch base on this subject but all im going to say is...DO NOT HAVE A TIME SCHEDULE TO YOUR DAY WHEN SOMEONE HAS TO OPEN A CHECKING ACCOUNT THAT MORNING...haha...it took forever!!! Anyway, we went shopping, got alot of atuff done, I found my graduation dress, and we had a wonderful lunch at Panera Bread. It was a perfect day as "The Four of Us Again." I've missed these days...
After shopping I had to scramble to get 2 dozen cupcakes filled with chocolate ganache and strawberry preserves and iced with vanilla butter cream. They looked amazing and...after filling them, I WAS COVERED FROM ELBOW TO FINGERS IN GANACHE!!! Lets just say...it wasnt my day! That night I met my friends Kathy, Amanda & her daughter Sierra at their hotel and we had a cake tasting. i dont know why, but it always makes me so nervous to watch people as they are eating my pastries because I am always so worried they wont like them...even though they look so good! They ended up loving the chocolate cake with chocolate ganache filling and butter cream on top. We had the cakes chosen for the wedding and were ready to go to the Portland Pirates Hockey Game for the night. The game was amazing...we saw some boys in shorts and long socks, and got as many pictures as we could :) and went to Rivalries for dinner. It was a great ended to a great weekend!!!!!! 
Sunday was my Grampy's Birthday and I made him some Cream Horns..which he loves how I make them and he loved them!!

As I sit in my empty dorm room I realize how lucky I am to have such amazing people who love me and are so proud of the woman I have become. I have come such a long way since starting school and have learned so much while being here. I may not have many friends but the ones I do have are the best and most special people to me and Im so lucky to have them in my life. My family is the most important thing in my life and no matter what happens I can always count on the ones I love to be there through everything! I had a wonderful weekend being with both my family and my friends (especially my awesome friend from WAY UP IN CANADA!! <3 )!

Tomorrow's my mommas 46th Birthday and I WANNA WISH HER THE BEST BIRTHDAY OF ALL!! I LOVE HER MORE THAN I LOVE MYSELF AND I WOULDN'T BE THE WOMAN I AM TODAY WITHOUT HER!!! I LOVE YOU MOM!!

Talk to you all soon

~With much love~
 

Confidence....something I have struggled with all my life...

*This is going to be long so im apologizing ahead of time...sorry*

Ive always been a shy person, even around the ones who know me better than I know myself. I never know what to say and I have a hard time opening up to new people. Even since I can remember, I never had many (if any) friends growing up. I mean, ya I had a best friend growing up, but like most relationships when I graduated high school she was still a senior and we went our separate ways. 

Ive always been a HUGE family girl and have the best relationship with my older sisters and mom. Growing up it was just the four of us and each day was a new day with new challenges. I went to a private Christian school up until high school, and graduated with about 8 other students; 3 of which went to the same high school as me, none of which I was close with at all. My first day of high school was pure hell. I walked into school with my head low and went directly to my classes, sat down, and listened. I knew no one. 4th block came around and FINALLY, people I knew...or my older sister at least-we had chorus together! Plus the teacher knew me from having my oldest sister when she was in high school so that made the day even better. School ended and i literally ran to my moms car, threw myself in and CRIED! I hated it. Everything about it i hated. I had no friends, no classes I liked, and a ton of homework!! I curled up in my moms arms that night, cried, and begged her to not make me go back. I wanted to be done right than and there. She calmed me down and convinced me that it would get better...well, it never did. I mean dont get me wrong, I met a few people, made a few friends, and had ALOT of acquaintances, but it never got better. It became depressed which led to Anorexia. I was so disgusted with myself and I thought surely people saw me as I saw me...disgusting. So I thought becoming like everyone else would make me likable and id make more friends...wrong! I was at my lowest when I reached 95 pounds and I was 5' 8" tall. I was literally skin and bones and my muscles were almost non existent. I was killing myself to fit in...Graduation came and went and so did boyfriends and college was approaching. As I began packing my life up into boxes I couldnt help but cry. If I had a hard time with high school where I knew people, what the hell is going to happen when I am 150 miles away with LITERALLY NO ONE I KNOW!?!? I had never been so scared in my entire life. Thankfully I had been emailing my room mate the entire course of the summer to get to know her so I wouldnt be completely alone on day 1. The day my parents dropped me off I fell completely apart. (Even now as I write this I cant help but tear up at the hard day). The last thing I wanted was the only people who I knew in the world, who loved me and accepted me for me to leave and be 150 miles away. As my mom was holding me and saying goodbye she handed me a book (I cant remember what it is called but I still look at it everyday), and told me she loved me to no end and she was so unbelievably proud of me...which in turn made me cry EVEN MORE :( I cried for what seemed like forever while unpacking my life into my dorm room. As the year went on, I met some more people, gained new room mates and was starting to feel okay. At the time i had a boyfriend who was holding me back from everything. He hated when I did anything where I wouldnt be able to talk to him...including going to the dining hall to have lunch...it was pathetic. Unfortunately I allowed him to control me...and even now I dont have a boyfriend but I still feel like someone will be upset when I go out...Anyway, as the year went on I started to pull away from my room mates. I stayed in my room all the time, and when the weekend was here, either my boyfriend came down to me or I went home to him...I never made time for the people I wanted to be my friends...which in the end, made me the way i am today...alone! School ended and I left without a goodbye...worst mistake I made. 

Its now my final year at JWU and so far...IVE DONE NOTHING EXCITING TO BUILD MY CONFIDENCE.  I was getting along well with people in my labs. Made a new and great friend within a week, but like middle school, she was going to France for a trimester and I didnt see her again. 

This week was a rough week for me. I sat in my bed in my empty room thinking how pathetic my life really is. It takes a lot for me to say this so please don't judge me for being honest with you... I have no self confidence what so ever. I don't know how I got this way or why I am still this way. I don't have friends because every friend Ive ever had had either moved away, or found other friend who made them happier. I have tons and tons of acquaintances, but no real friends who I hang out with on a daily basis and actually have a decent conversation with.  I'm always so scared that if I open up to people and be myself around them, they wont like me and I'll just be left by my self yet again. I desperately want people who accept me for me, I want to be able to go out and have a great time with people and not be scared that I'm acting goofy around them....its especially hard around guys. I used to be okay around guys but now that I'm single I feel like no one would be caught dead with me. I know all of this sounds absolutely pathetic but its exactly how I feel everyday I wake up and walk about the door. Ive always been the good church going girl who doesn't drink and goes to church every week and acts like she should around people..,...but its not easy having that much on your shoulders when all you want to do is be like everyone else. I need help becoming more confident with myself and around others. I want people to like me for me. I want to be happy everyday and make new friends before I move back to my "Biddeford, Maine Bubble." 

Confidence is something I've struggled with my entire life and I hope its not something I will have to continue to struggle with for the rest of my life. I'm trying to put myself out there, but its hard when it constantly feels like me against the world......

Here's to one heck of a trimester!!!

Well, today I started my last-first day of school at Johnson & Wales and needless to say.....I didn't realize how much i DO NOT MISS ACADEMICS. Last year I made the mistake of registering for morning classes....7:10AM to be exact, and it was almost the death of me! Having to take public speaking was torture enough; but to have it at the but crack of dawn AND have half the class still be half asleep while im giving my horrible speech, was the icing on the cake. Plus, after my public speaking class,I had 2 more classes to go until my day was actually over...oye!! So with this years academic trimester I made the executive decision that I wasnt going to start my day until 9:20AM and be done by 1:25PM...but even that is torture...I really didn't realize how much I do not miss sitting at a desk for almost 2 hours each class, twice a day!!! Not only do I restless body syndrome, I have a severe case of "Is it May 19th yet?" It is only the end of day 1 and already i am counting down the days until i get to see the "LEAVING RHODE ISLAND" sign for good!!

As many of you may know, I actually a very shy person and have a hard time opening up to people I dont really know. Last year, i left for the summer on not such great terms with my friends but this year I'm hoping will be different. I want to change for the better. Break out of this "shy stage" ive been in for years and show people the real me....im just afraid that noone will like me. Why? I have no idea. I have LOTS AND LOTS of acquaintances but little to no friends and If i do have friends they have either moved away, gone away on internship (to France), or just dont like me anymore..either way, it sucks to go through life feeling this way. Ever feel like your completely alone in life in a room full of people? Ya, picture feeling that way...everyday.

So here's to (HOPEFULLY) one heck of a trimester!!!

*What a night!*

My long time friend, Kathy Hooper brought me to a Portland Pirates Hockey Game tonight along with the Season Ticket Holders Party at The Holiday Inn. For weeks I have been working myself up over it, being nervous day after day to meet new people-especially the (very cute) hockey players she seems to know oh too well :) And for a while now (ever since the beginning of hockey season), I have had this tiny tiny crush on one of the players and she told me he would be at this certain party and I would be able to meet him. I got soooo excited and started planning my outfit...almost immediately. Well, needless to say, I ended up buying 3 different outfits AND changed about a hundred times before the event even started! When the hockey game ended we walked over to the inn...in the pouring rain...and took our seats at a table with a number. As the players began to come in, a number was drawn at random (for some tables) and the number that was drawn was the number of the table they sat at. Igor Gongalsky sat at our table....and he was not bad to look at :) As the night went on, they raffled off prizes for everyone to win (i unfortunately did not win anything), and food was served t those who were hungry. I met alot of new (AND GORGEOUS) people, ate some food, and let loose a little.
As the players took their seats, i continued to do what any girl with a crush would do and i looked around the room for a certain someone...only to find him....with a date....needless to say, i was bummed to see an extremely gorgeous woman standing beside an extremely gorgeous man...but i guess thats just how it goes. I spent the rest of the night bummed but tried to keep it out my mind mind and have a fun remainder of the night...and thats just what I did!

Even though it didnt go EXACTLY how I would have liked it to go...it was a night to remember and a night I will not forget!!

Thank you Kathy (and Kari for making me laugh...alot tonight) xoxo

* Learn from yesterday! Live for today! Hope for tomorrow! Life's too short to be anything but happy*

Ive never been one to blog but now seems like a good enough time than any to start so here goes nothing...

Everyone makes mistakes in life, and I myself am no exception. Yes, when I was younger I made mistakes such as, hitting my sisters, dialing 911 and denying the entire thing AFTER the police showed up at my house,  hanging from a ceiling fan, or something as simple as sticking my tongue out at my parents behind their backs; but when you think back to all the wrong you did over the years, would you look back at it and say to yourself, "Would I really change a thing if I had to do it all over again?"

I never used to be as strong (physically and mentally) as i am today. My parents got divorced when i was 8 and ever since then I've had a hard time with just about, well, everything. From keeping my head on straight and making the right decisions, to trying to find myself in any boy that would give me any type of attention. A few months ago, i ended a relationship that I thought was going to be my "happily-ever-after," only to come to find out that it was really my "happily-ever-NOW." It took me a long time to find the strength to say goodbye to the one man who made me feel like I mattered in this world. I loved him...or so I thought. I searched so deep in me I could literally feel the bottom of my heart-i was literally scraping the bottom of the barrel, and I ended it. I cried for what felt like forever. After i pulled myself together, I asked myself, "Would I go back and do it all again if I had the chance?" And i realized I wouldn't. Everything I'd gone through with this guy, all the hard times we had and all the fights that seemed to get us nowhere, made me the woman I am today!! 3 months ago I started dating a new man...who I also thought would be the one for me. He made me feel like I really really mattered. I wasn't "just a girl" in his mind...I was THE GIRL.  But like most relationships, we had our fair share of difficulties and we came to an agreement that it just wasn't right for now.   

A few days ago I sat myself down and realized how much Ive put myself though over the last 3 years with boy after boy, and through it all...Ive lost who i really am. I used to be this good, church-going, God-loving, all-around good person, and as I look in the mirror, I dont even recognize this person is anymore. 

So I'm taking time to myself, starting over from where I was. Wiping the slate clean and making myself completely happy,,,so some day, I can make some lucky man, completely happy too. 

In 3 months I am starting a brand new chapter of my life that i am scared to death to meet head on. In 3 months, I will be walking across the stage at The Dunkin Donuts Center in Providence, Rhode Island receiving my Associates Degree in Baking & Pastry Arts; and in 3 months, I will finally be proud of the woman I became.

I learned from yesterday! I'm living for today! And I'm hoping for a better tomorrow!  Cause life's too short to be anything but happy!! 

<3