*This is going to be long so im apologizing ahead of time...sorry*
Ive always been a shy person, even around the ones who know me better than I know myself. I never know what to say and I have a hard time opening up to new people. Even since I can remember, I never had many (if any) friends growing up. I mean, ya I had a best friend growing up, but like most relationships when I graduated high school she was still a senior and we went our separate ways.
Ive always been a HUGE family girl and have the best relationship with my older sisters and mom. Growing up it was just the four of us and each day was a new day with new challenges. I went to a private Christian school up until high school, and graduated with about 8 other students; 3 of which went to the same high school as me, none of which I was close with at all. My first day of high school was pure hell. I walked into school with my head low and went directly to my classes, sat down, and listened. I knew no one. 4th block came around and FINALLY, people I knew...or my older sister at least-we had chorus together! Plus the teacher knew me from having my oldest sister when she was in high school so that made the day even better. School ended and i literally ran to my moms car, threw myself in and CRIED! I hated it. Everything about it i hated. I had no friends, no classes I liked, and a ton of homework!! I curled up in my moms arms that night, cried, and begged her to not make me go back. I wanted to be done right than and there. She calmed me down and convinced me that it would get better...well, it never did. I mean dont get me wrong, I met a few people, made a few friends, and had ALOT of acquaintances, but it never got better. It became depressed which led to Anorexia. I was so disgusted with myself and I thought surely people saw me as I saw me...disgusting. So I thought becoming like everyone else would make me likable and id make more friends...wrong! I was at my lowest when I reached 95 pounds and I was 5' 8" tall. I was literally skin and bones and my muscles were almost non existent. I was killing myself to fit in...Graduation came and went and so did boyfriends and college was approaching. As I began packing my life up into boxes I couldnt help but cry. If I had a hard time with high school where I knew people, what the hell is going to happen when I am 150 miles away with LITERALLY NO ONE I KNOW!?!? I had never been so scared in my entire life. Thankfully I had been emailing my room mate the entire course of the summer to get to know her so I wouldnt be completely alone on day 1. The day my parents dropped me off I fell completely apart. (Even now as I write this I cant help but tear up at the hard day). The last thing I wanted was the only people who I knew in the world, who loved me and accepted me for me to leave and be 150 miles away. As my mom was holding me and saying goodbye she handed me a book (I cant remember what it is called but I still look at it everyday), and told me she loved me to no end and she was so unbelievably proud of me...which in turn made me cry EVEN MORE :( I cried for what seemed like forever while unpacking my life into my dorm room. As the year went on, I met some more people, gained new room mates and was starting to feel okay. At the time i had a boyfriend who was holding me back from everything. He hated when I did anything where I wouldnt be able to talk to him...including going to the dining hall to have lunch...it was pathetic. Unfortunately I allowed him to control me...and even now I dont have a boyfriend but I still feel like someone will be upset when I go out...Anyway, as the year went on I started to pull away from my room mates. I stayed in my room all the time, and when the weekend was here, either my boyfriend came down to me or I went home to him...I never made time for the people I wanted to be my friends...which in the end, made me the way i am today...alone! School ended and I left without a goodbye...worst mistake I made.
Its now my final year at JWU and so far...IVE DONE NOTHING EXCITING TO BUILD MY CONFIDENCE. I was getting along well with people in my labs. Made a new and great friend within a week, but like middle school, she was going to France for a trimester and I didnt see her again.
This week was a rough week for me. I sat in my bed in my empty room thinking how pathetic my life really is. It takes a lot for me to say this so please don't judge me for being honest with you... I have no self confidence what so ever. I don't know how I got this way or why I am still this way. I don't have friends because every friend Ive ever had had either moved away, or found other friend who made them happier. I have tons and tons of acquaintances, but no real friends who I hang out with on a daily basis and actually have a decent conversation with. I'm always so scared that if I open up to people and be myself around them, they wont like me and I'll just be left by my self yet again. I desperately want people who accept me for me, I want to be able to go out and have a great time with people and not be scared that I'm acting goofy around them....its especially hard around guys. I used to be okay around guys but now that I'm single I feel like no one would be caught dead with me. I know all of this sounds absolutely pathetic but its exactly how I feel everyday I wake up and walk about the door. Ive always been the good church going girl who doesn't drink and goes to church every week and acts like she should around people..,...but its not easy having that much on your shoulders when all you want to do is be like everyone else. I need help becoming more confident with myself and around others. I want people to like me for me. I want to be happy everyday and make new friends before I move back to my "Biddeford, Maine Bubble."
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